Friday, July 23, 2010

What ISN'T happening to me

I'm a big journal writer. I'm talking about the old fashioned pen-on-paper kind of journal. I've been writing in it since I was 7. I've been going through the hardest time I have ever faced, and I just realized I haven't written down one word of it in my journal. I've also realized the reason that I haven't written it down is because, by writing it down, spelling it out, it is all really happening. It can't really be happening.

Boober isn't really gone. I'm not pregnant when I can't imagine how I can handle a baby. My boyfriend of 8 years didn't break up with me in the middle of all of this because he needs to be alone. I'm not preparing for him to move out of our home. Since that isn't happening, my mom isn't obligated to uproot her life to come live with me.

I'm not scared, lonely, heartbroken, guilt ridden, or depressed. Thank god none of this is really happening.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Pregnant and Dumped

For you Cliffs Notes fans, the title will pretty much sum up what I am about to say. For those of you who care to know some details behind it, please read on, I'm about to spill my guts.

This year has been hell. The short version of it being, my brother left for the Marines, my parents got divorced, Kennys mom died suddenly, then Boober, our cat, but for anyone who really knows me, she was my child, also died suddenly. Mind you, these are just the highlights of the past 8 months or so. Blow, after blow, somehow I was getting through, although every time something new happened, I could feel it change me.

About a month ago now, I was at the h0spital, watching my best friend give birth to her son. Yet another life-changing event. It was so intense, and I still have no idea how she did something that looked so difficult. By the time I got home that night, I was shaking with fear. I was late.. and I couldn't put off taking the test any longer. I'd been putting it off for days, just thinking stress or something was messing me up.

I waited for Kenny to get home, and I took it. The moment we saw it was positive, I saw him change. Sort of like he disconnected with his eyes. He voiced his opinion that, after the year we were having, this was no way the right time for something like this. He said he knows it is my decision, but his vote was to abort. I cried, and felt like I was spinning out of control. My first reaction was NO! I always thought I was against abortion in most cases. After a few more hours of crying, I thought maybe it was just the easier way out. I told Kenny to make an appointment for the next day.

The longer we sat in that waiting room, the stronger the urge was for me to run out the door. They finally called us back, but after a few minutes they sent us back in the waiting room. I started to cry and told Kenny I didn't think I could do it. I felt like all the delays were some sort of sign that was telling me to run. He tried to calm me down, and agreed that if for some reason, they weren't going to do the procedure that day, then we wouldn't be coming back. Turns out, it was too early to see the embryo on an ultrasound. The doctor asked us to come back in a week for the procedure. By then I had decided I couldn't go through with it. When the doctor said their could be no procedure that day, I saw Kenny change again. More distant.

All of a sudden, I'm going to be a mom. This wasn't the plan. This DOES seem like the worst timing ever. I don't know how it can be pulled off. Yet its here, and its true. The only thing to do, is to roll with it.

I knew Kenny was taking the news badly. He instantly became distant. He wouldn't talk about the pregnancy. He went out more, and came home later. He left to visit his family in California, and I hardly heard from him the whole time. He told me his family was not happy I was pregnant. I thought maybe he just needed more time to adjust. I was wrong.

Friday, he comes home and says "I don't want to be with you anymore, and I'm moving back to California." He says he still loves me, but doesn't want to be with me anymore. He says this all has nothing to do with the baby.

I can't breath.

I spent the weekend avoiding my house. I didn't know what would be worse... to be at home with him there, or to be in an empty house. I couldn't understand his decision. I am totally brokenhearted, and scared. How can I raise a baby alone?

Monday, I meet him at the house. We talk for a while, and I tell him I don't understand his decision. Somewhere in there, he comes out with "I'm not moving". He says its just hitting him that I'm going to have a baby, and he doesn't want the baby to be without its father. I guess thats one big problem down.

As it stands, he is staying in Michigan, but still leaving me. After 8 years with him, I don't know how to function. How to breath. I really hate sounding like a drama queen, but thats how I feel. I'm having a really hard time right now. I wish I could hide it, but I can't lie for shit.

So in answer to all of your loving questions, THIS is whats wrong. And NO, I'm not okay.