Tuesday, November 30, 2010

76320 Minutes

53 days. That’s all that is left between me and motherhood. Give or take of course. I’m feeling extremely torn. On one hand, I am BEYOND ready to have this pregnancy be over, to have my body be mine again.. On the other hand, I have to realize that by wishing my pregnancy over, means I’m wishing for her to get here faster… which means, I’m a mom.

I don’t know for sure, but I’ve got a pretty good guess that becoming a parent is probably the biggest thing that can happen to a person in life. Nothing will be the same. I will officially no longer be my own top priority. There will always be someone on this earth that I will love more than myself, and who’s needs will always come first. There is going to be a living, breathing, real live person that I built from scratch. She will have her own body, mind, personality. She will be totally one of a kind, and she will be mine.

I’m ready for this pregnancy to be over. Am I ready for everything else that comes along with that? I guess I have to be. :)

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A Whole New World

There are a lot of different levels of tiredness. There is the standard, end of the day tired, then after a busy day tired, being sick tired, tired from a lot of manual labor, lazy tired, tired for no reason, and everyone has experienced the kind of tired that makes you feel like you literally can not keep your eyes open for a moment longer. Over the past few weeks, I have surpassed all of those, entering a whole new level of exhaustion that I never imagined could exist, in which I think I have discovered an alternate universe.

This universe is far passed the yawning, blurred vision, and crankiness of the normal realm of exhaustion, and entered into a whole new level. In this universe, not much matters. You don’t really care what you look like, the tasks you need to finish, what you say to people, and you probably wouldn’t even mind if someone stole your car, or hit you in the ass with a golf club. Its really not that bad.

I never sleep anymore. On the random day that I am able to fall asleep, I wake up at either 1:30 or 3:30 on the nose, then can’t go back to sleep. My baby has officially gotten so big, that we can no longer both live our lives comfortable in the same body. I obviously can’t sleep on my tummy, if I lay on my back the whole world goes fuzzy, and I can’t breath. Sometimes my side works, but each side is only good for about 5 minutes. That’s when she stretches or repositions herself making it so I can’t breath and my heart races. Flip, flop, repeat… Insomnia, hot flashes, achy back/legs, acid reflux, peeing every 15-20 minutes, baby feet in my ribs, and the constant pain of my crotch bone splitting in half . That should complete my list of new things to bitch about.

It may not seem like it, but this is actually a happy blog update. I may have a lot of crap to bitch about physically lately, and that isn’t likely to change, but overall, in general, I’m feeling pretty awesome lately! The doc switched my antidepressant a bit over a month ago, and I cannot begin to explain how different I feel. The stereotypical black cloud around me has thinned so much I can barely see it, and I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. I no longer feel like throwing myself off a bridge! Sure I’m still scared about whats ahead, but really, who isn’t?