Thanks for Nothing

I’ve been fighting the same headache for over a week. After trying all the meds I’m allowed, home remedies, 2 prescription meds, and a trip to my OB, nothing was working. On the advice of my OB, my mom took me kicking and screaming to the ER on Saturday. My OB had told me that since not even the prescription meds were helping, the next step was to get a shot of some sort of pain killer at the hospital. Fine. I give in.

When I originally called Labor and Delivery to let them know my situation they told me to come in through the ER, and they would send me up there after getting registered. That didn’t happen. The ER said since I was there for a “non-pregnancy related issue” I was to stay down in the ER and get treated there. Ok, fine. The doctor that came in had just opened my chart while he walked in the room. He starts by scolding me. “You have had headaches all your life, and NEVER got them checked out?!” Sorry doctor-man, not all of us have the luxury of health insurance. I say this to him, in a nicer way of course, and also say that if it was just ME I was worried about, I would just suck-it-up, but all of this pain can’t be good for my baby. To this he says “oh your pregnant?”… You are kidding me right?

He then goes on to say how it is “inconvenient” that I am pregnant because he needs to do a CAT scan (or maybe it was a CT scan, I can’t remember), and that there is no way of shielding my FETUS from the radiation. He said they can shield my abdomen but that doesn’t guarantee anything. Ok… NO! So I refuse the scan, and he gets an attitude. He starts rattling off some meds he can try, but the way he is saying them, he is more trying to cover his ass incase something goes wrong rather than telling me the actual risks.

He leaves the room, and I start crying hysterically. I felt bad enough going to the hospital for “just a headache”, and now he has me thinking anything I do is going to hurt my baby. My mom gets on the phone with Labor and Delivery to see what we can do about getting a doctor that isn’t a total moron. They say to call them to clear each medication before its given to make sure its safe.

A nurse comes in to start me on oxygen, an IV of fluids, and says she is also putting in an anti-nausea med Reglan, which she cleared with the OBGYN. I tell her I’m NOT nauseous, to which she says “maybe the dr is giving it for the migraine then.” Hey, what do I know? Not even 2 minutes after the IV is in, I get an INTENSE hot-flash, become covered in sweat, and want to rip my skin off. I was confused and disoriented and wanted to get the hell out of there ASAP. A few minutes after that I start shaking uncontrollably, like a naked guy in a snow storm. A while later a different nurse comes in, and I ask if the shakes are normal. “No, its just fluids. Maybe you are just stressed.” is all I get before she leaves.

An hour later the moron doctor comes back in to see if I’m better. “NO!” I tell him that I just want to get the hell out of there ASAP. He says the nurse will be in to give me a shot of steroids as a last option, and take my IV out. A half out later we are finally out the door, and I’ve never felt worse. Poked, and yelled at, and freaked out that I was hurting my baby. I was still shaking like a leaf, and I felt 10000% horrible. We got home, and I went right to bed. Full night of tossing, turning, sweating, shaking, and generally feeling like I want to die. Not to mention feeling like a total freak for not being able to control my body, when all that was given to me was “just fluids.”

Today I was writing myself a little note about what happened, so I can be sure to tell my OBGYN what exactly happened. I was looking up the correct spelling for Reglan online (the nausea med they gave me that I said I didn’t need), and surprise surprise!
“Reglan can cause severe reactions such as uncontrollable tremors (that may be irreversible), fever, confusion, sweating, and rapid heartbeat.” The list goes on, but those particular reactions obviously hit-home.

So thank you hospital, for not only NOT making me feel better, but for being rude, scaring me, poisoning me, and making me believe I was crazy. It was truly a bitchin’ Saturday night.

All done!... No wait......

You would think that making a baby registry would be easy. WRONG. I’m probably obsessing too much about what I’m putting on there. I have a habit of researching the hell out of stuff before buying it, which I don’t think is a bad habit to have, but it is making this process exhausting!

I was told to register at Target in addition to the one I did at Babies-R-Us, for the people who don’t have a Babies-R-Us near them, and aren’t a fan of online shopping. I did some research, and the stuff that I registered for a t BRU that was cheaper at Target, got switched. Then there was the process of going through all the checklists to make sure I have the essentials, most of which I hand no idea what they were a month ago.

I had to get all of this done ASAP so the invites can go out soon. Monday I thought I was done. Wrong! Wednesday, I find a bouncy seat that bounces all by itself! I know! Amazing right?! (Don’t worry, I know you probably don’t really care.) Anyways, again, I think I’m done… I hope.

Any-who, here they are! I’m totally open for suggestions… Unless your suggestion is for me to start over, in which case you can go to hell. <3

Target Registry

Babies-R-Us Registry

BUMP in the night

This past Saturday night, I was almost asleep in a very comfy hotel bed, when I was attacked. I guess it was more of an accidental assault really. There I was, minding my own business, snoozing comfortably on my back, with my hand resting on my tummy, when BOOM! My lil alien kicks my hand right the hell off my tummy. Scared the ever-loving crap out of me. I flew out of bed, and screamed at the top of my lungs.

Of course I knew this was coming. Babies are alive, and they move, and sooner or later I was going to KNOW she was moving. But JEEZE! She didn’t bother getting me warmed up to the kicks she will be providing me with for the next 3-4 months, she went right for the “wake the hell up Mommy” kicks! My knee-jerk reaction was sorta like when you have a bee fly down your shirt, and the whole “AHHHH! Get it off! Get it off!” I don’t care what other people say, being waken up by your own belly kicking you is bazaar!

Once I got my heart rate under control, I got back in bed and just stared dumb-founded at my belly. She continued her little dance for about an hour, and I could watch her kicks and rolls moving all around my belly. Watching her, it became less and less “creepy horror movie with aliens in belly” and more and more “oh my god, that’s my baby.”

Because of the obstacles being thrown at me the past few months, I haven’t been enjoying my pregnancy. I’ve been missing out on the excitement of it all. I have been trying SO hard to get into it, but it just wasn’t working… Now I feel her dance at least once a day, and it is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. At most this only happens for an hour a day, but I feel like this is a step in the right direction. Thank you baby Wednesday.

Use a condom

I'm pretty sure that I'm having the worst pregnancy that anyone has ever had in the history of the world. I have symptoms that I never even heard of. Nausea? Tons. Aches and pains? I feel like I'm 90. Heartburn? Like its on fire and trying to escape through my mouth. Fatigue? someone must have spiked my chocolate milk with Tylenol PM. Headaches? Everyday, thank you. Aversion to smells? If fried chicken is within 100 yards of me, find me something to puke in. Frequent pee breaks? I have to go over 15 times a day. Itchy tummy? Like I have fleas. Restless legs? Kill me.

Being pregnant is hell. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. Use a condom. I keep waiting for that “second trimester bliss” to kick in, but I think it is skipping me. I’m feeling cheated out of the happiness people say you feel during this time, because everything is under a cloud of shittyness. I am trying to keep hope alive that I will eventually feel the joy I guess I am supposed to be feeling.

Apparently I am suffering from what is called “severe ante-partum depression”. Its like post-partum depression, but DURING pregnancy instead of after, which means I’m at high risk for having post-partum also.

I’ve had “the blues” before. Who hasn’t? I’ve even had really difficult situations thrown at me (obviously), but this depression is like nothing I have ever felt before. I’m really not sure if its all the stuff I’ve been going through, or the crazy hormones that are to blame for this… probably a combination of both. Its been scary. Living in a constant state of sadness is hard enough, but when it gets so bad that I can’t even function, and have to remind myself to breath, and to keep on breathing, its scary. Trying to explain it is hard. All day I’m fighting. Its like I’m in a burning house, and I’m working as hard as I can to keep smoke out of one bedroom. It takes all my focus and attention, and I know if I stop trying even for a moment, the smoke will get in and suffocate me.

Just snap out of it! You need to get happy for your baby! Be happy! Stop being so sad!

Believe me, I’m trying.

When people say stuff like that to me, I want to scream. They must not get it. Its like telling someone to STOP having a migraine. Its physical, and not something that can be controlled just because you really really want to. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t like feeling like shit every second of every day. I don’t enjoy having nothing positive to say when someone asks me how I’m feeling. I hate it so much, that I’m even annoyed with myself.

I’ve been getting proactive about it. I’ve been on antidepressants for months, and that clearly wasn’t enough to cure me. I’ve been doing endless research on what I can do to help myself. I get sunlight, get exercise, and for the past week and a half I’ve been taking oodles of DHA (vitamin) that is said to help depression. If anyone has any magical cures, I’m all ears! I will try anything at this point.

Crossing my fingers that my next update will be a happy one.