Friday, December 31, 2010

Forever and a Day

My Baby girl Wednesday,

You could make your grand entrance at anytime now. Will the time you decide to come out reflect on who you will be? Come a little too early, and maybe have an issue or two, but you just couldn't wait to see what the world has going on. Or come right on time, because you know everyone will be thrilled, and you wouldn't want to worry anyone. Or maybe even dig your heels in for an extended stay since you are so warm and comfy, and hearing all of us out here pacing the floors makes you giggle.

I know you have a plan in place. I've been learning about you for months. You're ticklish! When I want to feel you move, the pokes and rubs don't do it. But if I scratchy tickle you in my tummy, that always gets you moving! You really don't like the smell of fried chicken, yet Pine-sol smells so good to you that I have to restrain myself from drinking it.

You already play with your big sister. She likes to lay right on top of you in my belly and purrrrrr.... When you hear and feel her, you each take turns giving each other gentle pokes. Whenever I talk right to you, you give me sweet rolls all over my tummy. like a baby massage. When you hear your Daddy's voice, you keep super still, like you are trying to hear every word he says. ​

I've learned alot about you in the past months, and I can't wait to meet you. I'm anxious, scared, clueless, stressed, excited, and terrified about what comes next. You will be here soon... I'm certain, once I get to see your face, kiss your tiny hands, and hear your loud cry you have been saving up for months, all of the crazy obstacles we have been going through will melt away. I'd run through hell and back thousands of times if the end result was you. I can't wait to meet you Wednesday Elizabeth. I already love you so much. Forever and a day. ​

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

76320 Minutes

53 days. That’s all that is left between me and motherhood. Give or take of course. I’m feeling extremely torn. On one hand, I am BEYOND ready to have this pregnancy be over, to have my body be mine again.. On the other hand, I have to realize that by wishing my pregnancy over, means I’m wishing for her to get here faster… which means, I’m a mom.

I don’t know for sure, but I’ve got a pretty good guess that becoming a parent is probably the biggest thing that can happen to a person in life. Nothing will be the same. I will officially no longer be my own top priority. There will always be someone on this earth that I will love more than myself, and who’s needs will always come first. There is going to be a living, breathing, real live person that I built from scratch. She will have her own body, mind, personality. She will be totally one of a kind, and she will be mine.

I’m ready for this pregnancy to be over. Am I ready for everything else that comes along with that? I guess I have to be. :)

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A Whole New World

There are a lot of different levels of tiredness. There is the standard, end of the day tired, then after a busy day tired, being sick tired, tired from a lot of manual labor, lazy tired, tired for no reason, and everyone has experienced the kind of tired that makes you feel like you literally can not keep your eyes open for a moment longer. Over the past few weeks, I have surpassed all of those, entering a whole new level of exhaustion that I never imagined could exist, in which I think I have discovered an alternate universe.

This universe is far passed the yawning, blurred vision, and crankiness of the normal realm of exhaustion, and entered into a whole new level. In this universe, not much matters. You don’t really care what you look like, the tasks you need to finish, what you say to people, and you probably wouldn’t even mind if someone stole your car, or hit you in the ass with a golf club. Its really not that bad.

I never sleep anymore. On the random day that I am able to fall asleep, I wake up at either 1:30 or 3:30 on the nose, then can’t go back to sleep. My baby has officially gotten so big, that we can no longer both live our lives comfortable in the same body. I obviously can’t sleep on my tummy, if I lay on my back the whole world goes fuzzy, and I can’t breath. Sometimes my side works, but each side is only good for about 5 minutes. That’s when she stretches or repositions herself making it so I can’t breath and my heart races. Flip, flop, repeat… Insomnia, hot flashes, achy back/legs, acid reflux, peeing every 15-20 minutes, baby feet in my ribs, and the constant pain of my crotch bone splitting in half . That should complete my list of new things to bitch about.

It may not seem like it, but this is actually a happy blog update. I may have a lot of crap to bitch about physically lately, and that isn’t likely to change, but overall, in general, I’m feeling pretty awesome lately! The doc switched my antidepressant a bit over a month ago, and I cannot begin to explain how different I feel. The stereotypical black cloud around me has thinned so much I can barely see it, and I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. I no longer feel like throwing myself off a bridge! Sure I’m still scared about whats ahead, but really, who isn’t?

Monday, September 27, 2010

Thanks for Nothing

I’ve been fighting the same headache for over a week. After trying all the meds I’m allowed, home remedies, 2 prescription meds, and a trip to my OB, nothing was working. On the advice of my OB, my mom took me kicking and screaming to the ER on Saturday. My OB had told me that since not even the prescription meds were helping, the next step was to get a shot of some sort of pain killer at the hospital. Fine. I give in.

When I originally called Labor and Delivery to let them know my situation they told me to come in through the ER, and they would send me up there after getting registered. That didn’t happen. The ER said since I was there for a “non-pregnancy related issue” I was to stay down in the ER and get treated there. Ok, fine. The doctor that came in had just opened my chart while he walked in the room. He starts by scolding me. “You have had headaches all your life, and NEVER got them checked out?!” Sorry doctor-man, not all of us have the luxury of health insurance. I say this to him, in a nicer way of course, and also say that if it was just ME I was worried about, I would just suck-it-up, but all of this pain can’t be good for my baby. To this he says “oh your pregnant?”… You are kidding me right?

He then goes on to say how it is “inconvenient” that I am pregnant because he needs to do a CAT scan (or maybe it was a CT scan, I can’t remember), and that there is no way of shielding my FETUS from the radiation. He said they can shield my abdomen but that doesn’t guarantee anything. Ok… NO! So I refuse the scan, and he gets an attitude. He starts rattling off some meds he can try, but the way he is saying them, he is more trying to cover his ass incase something goes wrong rather than telling me the actual risks.

He leaves the room, and I start crying hysterically. I felt bad enough going to the hospital for “just a headache”, and now he has me thinking anything I do is going to hurt my baby. My mom gets on the phone with Labor and Delivery to see what we can do about getting a doctor that isn’t a total moron. They say to call them to clear each medication before its given to make sure its safe.

A nurse comes in to start me on oxygen, an IV of fluids, and says she is also putting in an anti-nausea med Reglan, which she cleared with the OBGYN. I tell her I’m NOT nauseous, to which she says “maybe the dr is giving it for the migraine then.” Hey, what do I know? Not even 2 minutes after the IV is in, I get an INTENSE hot-flash, become covered in sweat, and want to rip my skin off. I was confused and disoriented and wanted to get the hell out of there ASAP. A few minutes after that I start shaking uncontrollably, like a naked guy in a snow storm. A while later a different nurse comes in, and I ask if the shakes are normal. “No, its just fluids. Maybe you are just stressed.” is all I get before she leaves.

An hour later the moron doctor comes back in to see if I’m better. “NO!” I tell him that I just want to get the hell out of there ASAP. He says the nurse will be in to give me a shot of steroids as a last option, and take my IV out. A half out later we are finally out the door, and I’ve never felt worse. Poked, and yelled at, and freaked out that I was hurting my baby. I was still shaking like a leaf, and I felt 10000% horrible. We got home, and I went right to bed. Full night of tossing, turning, sweating, shaking, and generally feeling like I want to die. Not to mention feeling like a total freak for not being able to control my body, when all that was given to me was “just fluids.”

Today I was writing myself a little note about what happened, so I can be sure to tell my OBGYN what exactly happened. I was looking up the correct spelling for Reglan online (the nausea med they gave me that I said I didn’t need), and surprise surprise!
“Reglan can cause severe reactions such as uncontrollable tremors (that may be irreversible), fever, confusion, sweating, and rapid heartbeat.” The list goes on, but those particular reactions obviously hit-home.

So thank you hospital, for not only NOT making me feel better, but for being rude, scaring me, poisoning me, and making me believe I was crazy. It was truly a bitchin’ Saturday night.

Friday, September 24, 2010

All done!... No wait......

You would think that making a baby registry would be easy. WRONG. I’m probably obsessing too much about what I’m putting on there. I have a habit of researching the hell out of stuff before buying it, which I don’t think is a bad habit to have, but it is making this process exhausting!

I was told to register at Target in addition to the one I did at Babies-R-Us, for the people who don’t have a Babies-R-Us near them, and aren’t a fan of online shopping. I did some research, and the stuff that I registered for a t BRU that was cheaper at Target, got switched. Then there was the process of going through all the checklists to make sure I have the essentials, most of which I hand no idea what they were a month ago.

I had to get all of this done ASAP so the invites can go out soon. Monday I thought I was done. Wrong! Wednesday, I find a bouncy seat that bounces all by itself! I know! Amazing right?! (Don’t worry, I know you probably don’t really care.) Anyways, again, I think I’m done… I hope.

Any-who, here they are! I’m totally open for suggestions… Unless your suggestion is for me to start over, in which case you can go to hell. <3

Target Registry

Babies-R-Us Registry

Thursday, September 23, 2010

BUMP in the night

This past Saturday night, I was almost asleep in a very comfy hotel bed, when I was attacked. I guess it was more of an accidental assault really. There I was, minding my own business, snoozing comfortably on my back, with my hand resting on my tummy, when BOOM! My lil alien kicks my hand right the hell off my tummy. Scared the ever-loving crap out of me. I flew out of bed, and screamed at the top of my lungs.

Of course I knew this was coming. Babies are alive, and they move, and sooner or later I was going to KNOW she was moving. But JEEZE! She didn’t bother getting me warmed up to the kicks she will be providing me with for the next 3-4 months, she went right for the “wake the hell up Mommy” kicks! My knee-jerk reaction was sorta like when you have a bee fly down your shirt, and the whole “AHHHH! Get it off! Get it off!” I don’t care what other people say, being waken up by your own belly kicking you is bazaar!

Once I got my heart rate under control, I got back in bed and just stared dumb-founded at my belly. She continued her little dance for about an hour, and I could watch her kicks and rolls moving all around my belly. Watching her, it became less and less “creepy horror movie with aliens in belly” and more and more “oh my god, that’s my baby.”

Because of the obstacles being thrown at me the past few months, I haven’t been enjoying my pregnancy. I’ve been missing out on the excitement of it all. I have been trying SO hard to get into it, but it just wasn’t working… Now I feel her dance at least once a day, and it is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. At most this only happens for an hour a day, but I feel like this is a step in the right direction. Thank you baby Wednesday.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Use a condom

I'm pretty sure that I'm having the worst pregnancy that anyone has ever had in the history of the world. I have symptoms that I never even heard of. Nausea? Tons. Aches and pains? I feel like I'm 90. Heartburn? Like its on fire and trying to escape through my mouth. Fatigue? someone must have spiked my chocolate milk with Tylenol PM. Headaches? Everyday, thank you. Aversion to smells? If fried chicken is within 100 yards of me, find me something to puke in. Frequent pee breaks? I have to go over 15 times a day. Itchy tummy? Like I have fleas. Restless legs? Kill me.

Being pregnant is hell. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. Use a condom. I keep waiting for that “second trimester bliss” to kick in, but I think it is skipping me. I’m feeling cheated out of the happiness people say you feel during this time, because everything is under a cloud of shittyness. I am trying to keep hope alive that I will eventually feel the joy I guess I am supposed to be feeling.

Apparently I am suffering from what is called “severe ante-partum depression”. Its like post-partum depression, but DURING pregnancy instead of after, which means I’m at high risk for having post-partum also.

I’ve had “the blues” before. Who hasn’t? I’ve even had really difficult situations thrown at me (obviously), but this depression is like nothing I have ever felt before. I’m really not sure if its all the stuff I’ve been going through, or the crazy hormones that are to blame for this… probably a combination of both. Its been scary. Living in a constant state of sadness is hard enough, but when it gets so bad that I can’t even function, and have to remind myself to breath, and to keep on breathing, its scary. Trying to explain it is hard. All day I’m fighting. Its like I’m in a burning house, and I’m working as hard as I can to keep smoke out of one bedroom. It takes all my focus and attention, and I know if I stop trying even for a moment, the smoke will get in and suffocate me.

Just snap out of it! You need to get happy for your baby! Be happy! Stop being so sad!

Believe me, I’m trying.

When people say stuff like that to me, I want to scream. They must not get it. Its like telling someone to STOP having a migraine. Its physical, and not something that can be controlled just because you really really want to. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t like feeling like shit every second of every day. I don’t enjoy having nothing positive to say when someone asks me how I’m feeling. I hate it so much, that I’m even annoyed with myself.

I’ve been getting proactive about it. I’ve been on antidepressants for months, and that clearly wasn’t enough to cure me. I’ve been doing endless research on what I can do to help myself. I get sunlight, get exercise, and for the past week and a half I’ve been taking oodles of DHA (vitamin) that is said to help depression. If anyone has any magical cures, I’m all ears! I will try anything at this point.

Crossing my fingers that my next update will be a happy one.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Still Sad

Somehow, days go by even when it seems impossible. I guess I just wanted to post a small update, although I don't really know what to say.

I'm not doing good. People don't like to hear that. People automatically want to help, or try to "cheer" a sad person up. I really do appreciate the love, but I really don't think anyone can really help. I guess I'm the only one that can do that, and I haven't a clue how. How else would I feel but depressed? Kenny is moved out, and I haven't seen him in what seems like years. I still feel totally blindsided. I can't understand why this is happening to me. How I never saw it coming. How I'm pregnant, and alone. How he is gone, and seemingly going on with his life like nothing is happening. So anyways, I guess this isn't much of an update.. nothing has really changed.

Thank you for the love, and the messages, and the offers for support. I REALLY appreciate it. I've still got a lot to learn about letting people help me, instead of my "suffer in silence" approach.


Friday, July 23, 2010

What ISN'T happening to me

I'm a big journal writer. I'm talking about the old fashioned pen-on-paper kind of journal. I've been writing in it since I was 7. I've been going through the hardest time I have ever faced, and I just realized I haven't written down one word of it in my journal. I've also realized the reason that I haven't written it down is because, by writing it down, spelling it out, it is all really happening. It can't really be happening.

Boober isn't really gone. I'm not pregnant when I can't imagine how I can handle a baby. My boyfriend of 8 years didn't break up with me in the middle of all of this because he needs to be alone. I'm not preparing for him to move out of our home. Since that isn't happening, my mom isn't obligated to uproot her life to come live with me.

I'm not scared, lonely, heartbroken, guilt ridden, or depressed. Thank god none of this is really happening.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Pregnant and Dumped

For you Cliffs Notes fans, the title will pretty much sum up what I am about to say. For those of you who care to know some details behind it, please read on, I'm about to spill my guts.

This year has been hell. The short version of it being, my brother left for the Marines, my parents got divorced, Kennys mom died suddenly, then Boober, our cat, but for anyone who really knows me, she was my child, also died suddenly. Mind you, these are just the highlights of the past 8 months or so. Blow, after blow, somehow I was getting through, although every time something new happened, I could feel it change me.

About a month ago now, I was at the h0spital, watching my best friend give birth to her son. Yet another life-changing event. It was so intense, and I still have no idea how she did something that looked so difficult. By the time I got home that night, I was shaking with fear. I was late.. and I couldn't put off taking the test any longer. I'd been putting it off for days, just thinking stress or something was messing me up.

I waited for Kenny to get home, and I took it. The moment we saw it was positive, I saw him change. Sort of like he disconnected with his eyes. He voiced his opinion that, after the year we were having, this was no way the right time for something like this. He said he knows it is my decision, but his vote was to abort. I cried, and felt like I was spinning out of control. My first reaction was NO! I always thought I was against abortion in most cases. After a few more hours of crying, I thought maybe it was just the easier way out. I told Kenny to make an appointment for the next day.

The longer we sat in that waiting room, the stronger the urge was for me to run out the door. They finally called us back, but after a few minutes they sent us back in the waiting room. I started to cry and told Kenny I didn't think I could do it. I felt like all the delays were some sort of sign that was telling me to run. He tried to calm me down, and agreed that if for some reason, they weren't going to do the procedure that day, then we wouldn't be coming back. Turns out, it was too early to see the embryo on an ultrasound. The doctor asked us to come back in a week for the procedure. By then I had decided I couldn't go through with it. When the doctor said their could be no procedure that day, I saw Kenny change again. More distant.

All of a sudden, I'm going to be a mom. This wasn't the plan. This DOES seem like the worst timing ever. I don't know how it can be pulled off. Yet its here, and its true. The only thing to do, is to roll with it.

I knew Kenny was taking the news badly. He instantly became distant. He wouldn't talk about the pregnancy. He went out more, and came home later. He left to visit his family in California, and I hardly heard from him the whole time. He told me his family was not happy I was pregnant. I thought maybe he just needed more time to adjust. I was wrong.

Friday, he comes home and says "I don't want to be with you anymore, and I'm moving back to California." He says he still loves me, but doesn't want to be with me anymore. He says this all has nothing to do with the baby.

I can't breath.

I spent the weekend avoiding my house. I didn't know what would be worse... to be at home with him there, or to be in an empty house. I couldn't understand his decision. I am totally brokenhearted, and scared. How can I raise a baby alone?

Monday, I meet him at the house. We talk for a while, and I tell him I don't understand his decision. Somewhere in there, he comes out with "I'm not moving". He says its just hitting him that I'm going to have a baby, and he doesn't want the baby to be without its father. I guess thats one big problem down.

As it stands, he is staying in Michigan, but still leaving me. After 8 years with him, I don't know how to function. How to breath. I really hate sounding like a drama queen, but thats how I feel. I'm having a really hard time right now. I wish I could hide it, but I can't lie for shit.

So in answer to all of your loving questions, THIS is whats wrong. And NO, I'm not okay.