Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Use a condom

I'm pretty sure that I'm having the worst pregnancy that anyone has ever had in the history of the world. I have symptoms that I never even heard of. Nausea? Tons. Aches and pains? I feel like I'm 90. Heartburn? Like its on fire and trying to escape through my mouth. Fatigue? someone must have spiked my chocolate milk with Tylenol PM. Headaches? Everyday, thank you. Aversion to smells? If fried chicken is within 100 yards of me, find me something to puke in. Frequent pee breaks? I have to go over 15 times a day. Itchy tummy? Like I have fleas. Restless legs? Kill me.

Being pregnant is hell. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. Use a condom. I keep waiting for that “second trimester bliss” to kick in, but I think it is skipping me. I’m feeling cheated out of the happiness people say you feel during this time, because everything is under a cloud of shittyness. I am trying to keep hope alive that I will eventually feel the joy I guess I am supposed to be feeling.

Apparently I am suffering from what is called “severe ante-partum depression”. Its like post-partum depression, but DURING pregnancy instead of after, which means I’m at high risk for having post-partum also.

I’ve had “the blues” before. Who hasn’t? I’ve even had really difficult situations thrown at me (obviously), but this depression is like nothing I have ever felt before. I’m really not sure if its all the stuff I’ve been going through, or the crazy hormones that are to blame for this… probably a combination of both. Its been scary. Living in a constant state of sadness is hard enough, but when it gets so bad that I can’t even function, and have to remind myself to breath, and to keep on breathing, its scary. Trying to explain it is hard. All day I’m fighting. Its like I’m in a burning house, and I’m working as hard as I can to keep smoke out of one bedroom. It takes all my focus and attention, and I know if I stop trying even for a moment, the smoke will get in and suffocate me.

Just snap out of it! You need to get happy for your baby! Be happy! Stop being so sad!

Believe me, I’m trying.

When people say stuff like that to me, I want to scream. They must not get it. Its like telling someone to STOP having a migraine. Its physical, and not something that can be controlled just because you really really want to. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t like feeling like shit every second of every day. I don’t enjoy having nothing positive to say when someone asks me how I’m feeling. I hate it so much, that I’m even annoyed with myself.

I’ve been getting proactive about it. I’ve been on antidepressants for months, and that clearly wasn’t enough to cure me. I’ve been doing endless research on what I can do to help myself. I get sunlight, get exercise, and for the past week and a half I’ve been taking oodles of DHA (vitamin) that is said to help depression. If anyone has any magical cures, I’m all ears! I will try anything at this point.

Crossing my fingers that my next update will be a happy one.


  1. aww jes....i had 2 pregnancies...each one was different...i experienced ALL that stuff(except the puking...i don't puke)...but i had nausea, that would only go away with eating(hence the 55 pound weight gain the first time around!).
    i don't understand woman who say they LOVE being pregnant!!! i hated it...the only good thing about it was feeling the baby move(but not when i was getting kicked in the ribs near the end and wearing bruises from it!)
    it will all be will pass and you will be left with a beautiful baby!!!! i'll get through it!!!!
    but trust're not alone with the hating pregnancy.....there are alot of us out there! *hugs*
    *side thing EVER....was nursing! not the pain when first starting....but once your nipples get used to was the most magical experience EVER....the only thing i miss! that kind of closeness will make up for all the crap you have to go through to get there!)*

  2. Hey Jes. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It touches a nerve to hear about it since I went through such a similar thing. My bf dumped me when I was 3 months pregnant with my son. I was so depressed one night that the cops were called on me because they thought I was a suicide risk. You know things are bad when you are sitting next to a tree in the woods crying at night and you have cops with flashlights searching for you to take you to a hospital. I know how much emotional pain is involved when you feel abandoned and all alone. My son is 8 now. That pregnancy was the hardest ever for me..because of being so alone and sad all the time. I cried myself to bed pretty much every night for 6 months. Now my son is my best friend. His dad isnt around but we do ok. Right now you havent met your baby. He is just a peanut on a picture..but once you hold him and see his face and his eyes and his will see. Its hard to explain. Things will get better Jes, its just gonna take time. Just remember your baby will love you and you will have each other. When you get old they will be the ones to come visit you. I'm not sure what you believe, but if you still feel lost maybe you should pray about it? You are not alone. If you need anything im here. Hang in there.

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